Monday, May 10, 2010

An Anti-Stress Diet ..... ?

Doing some re-arranging recently I came across a very very faded fax sent to me when I lived in Eindhoven, The Netherlands, in May 1993.

Under this Far Side sketch (see here) a friend had sent me a suggestion for a diet. Now, I wouldn't, in all honesty, take this up for the next ten years with the expectation of slimming down from a 300 lb tub to a size zero beach-blonde bombshell in line for the next episode of Legally Blonde, but it looks like a fun set of principles to live by. Or not!

1/2 a grapefruit
1 slice of whole-wheat toast, dry
31/2 oz. skim milk.

4 oz. of lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup of steamed spinach
1 cup of herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of Oreos in package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar of hot fudge sauce (topping for ice cream)
Nuts, cherries, whipped cream, to taste

2 loaves of garlic bread, with cheese
1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
4 cans or one large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars (unwrapped!)

Late Evening News Snack
1 frozen New York cheesecake (eat directly from freezer)

Dieting Rules
(These all-purpose rules may be applied with equal effectiveness to any diet, with similar results)
  1. If you eat something, and no-one sees you eat it, then it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the soda cancels out the calories in the candy.
  3. When you eat with someone else then calories don't count so long as you eat less than they do.
  4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts in a diet. Examples are hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
  5. If you hang out around fat people, or fatten up everyone else around you, then you will be thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods don't count, since they are part of the entire entertainment package, and not part of one's personal fuel. These include - but are not limited to - Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Raisinets, and Twizzlers.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories since the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  8. Foods licked off knives and spoons, like peanut butter and ice cream, don't count if you are in the process of preparing something for someone else.
  9. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. For example, spinach and pistachio ice cream and mushrooms and white chocolate have the same calories. Note: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other colour.
  10. Food eaten over the sink, without dirtying a dish, does not count.
  11. Using the adjective "just" cuts the calorie count in half - as in "I'll have just one more cream puff!".
  12. If you make it a habit to eat continuously, you need not worry about between-meal snacking ruining your diet.
  13. Smoked fish eaten over the weekend has no calories and no cholesterol, even when eaten with creamed cheese.
I rather liked it!

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